Cid's Car Gets Stolen
by CalKJ
Summary: And Sora and Riku are on the case! With just the right amount of friendship, determination, and investigative journalism, these two can solve any mystery. Also, Cid's in pretty bad shape. I don't just mean his physical fitness, but he also got roughed up and stuff. Poor guy needs a couple of heroes. If only they'd hurry up and notice him laying there in pain. Any moment, now.


**Chapter 1: Cid's Car Gets Stolen**

Cid wanted to drive to the other side of town. Tifa's bar was a good spot to drink, smoke, and hit on women. It was only about 11:15; he normally went there around closing time because that's when the girls would be the loosest and drunkest, but tonight, he just wanted to drown his sorrows in rum and cigar smoke.

Walking through the parking garage by his apartment, he whistled a lively tune. Approaching his beige '98 Honda Accord, he twirled his keys in his hands, singing aloud, "…We got fun and games. We got everything you want—honey, we know the names. We are the people that can—"

Someone suddenly struck him in the back of the head. It wasn't hard enough to make him fall unconscious, but it sure hurt like hell.

Lurching forward against his car, Cid exclaimed, _"What the shit?!"_

Whoever had punched him quickly wrenched the car keys from his hand. Cid was then pushed to the ground, kicked, and shot in the stomach. With a gun.

Howling in pain, Cid could only watch as the shadowy figure hopped in his car, started it, and drove away, saying, "Thanks!"

Clutching the gunshot wound, which honestly would've been worse if it weren't for his Defensive Materia, Cid howled in agony, "Ooooh, why me?!"

That's when Sora and Riku came strolling up next to the crime scene, talking about their preceding gym session.

"Yeah, that girl was totally checking you out, Sora. You should've got her number." Riku was determined to get Sora some player points.

"No way, she was lookin' at you!" Sora replied. "And you know I'm still trying to patch things up with Kairi."

"Help…!" Cid moaned.

"Which is the exact reason you should've shot your shot," Riku reasoned. "Ever notice how Kairi always quickly responds to you getting with other girls?"

Sora crossed his arms, muttering, "Well…"

"Well, nothing. You know what they say about jealousy—"

"Help—!"

Riku continued, "It makes life a lot more spicy."

Sora retaliated, "Yeah, but life can get too spicy if you let it."

"Sora, your life is a bowl of oatmeal. Get crazy for once!"

"Help me!"

"See? Even random voices are begging you to let loose."

Sora looked over at Cid five feet away. They almost walked right past him. He said, "That's not a random voice—that's Cid!"

"Help!" Cid cried out again.

Running over to his aid, Sora and Riku knelt by his fallen form. Administering assistance, they tried to help him to his feet, but he was far too wounded to stand. Instead, they leaned him against the parking garage's wall.

Sitting there with a pained expression on his face, Cid asked, "Where you fellers comin' from?"

"The gym," Sora answered. "What happened—?"

"—Heh…I remember when I used to hit the gym. Probably coulda fought that guy off if I was still in shape."

Riku investigated, "You're saying someone did this to you? Who?"

"No clue, but the jackass had a gun. Stole my ride, too." Clutching his gunshot wound, Cid begged, "Tell me you saw the guy driving my car outta here."

"Sorry, wasn't paying attention," Sora admitted.

Riku said, "Niether was I. Hey, I got an idea…. Sora, let's run an investigation!"

Eyes lighting up, Sora agreed, "Yeah! We'll solve this mystery!"

"We'll do it tonight, Cid!" Riku declared.

Laughing heartily, and in agony, Cid coughed and said, "Well, that's awfully kind of you boys. Really, you don't have to strain yourselves."

"For a friend, we'll go to the ends of the Earth!" Sora promised.

"Say," said Cid. "Either one o' y'all got a Potion or two on ya?"

"Fresh out," Riku reported.

"I've got a few at my dorm," Sora informed. "Just wait it out—we'll be right back!"

"I don't know, boys," Cid replied. "I might not make it, don't you know first aid—? Hey, wait!"

Sora and Riku were already dashing for the stairs of the garage, leaving Cid in the dust. Since they were up on the fourth floor, they had quite a ways to reach the ground level.

"Numbskulls," Cid muttered, extracting a cigar from his pocket. Lighting that sucker up, he said aloud, "At least I might get some pity-tail at the bar after all this settles…"

Meanwhile, Sora and Riku had reached the ground floor, the latter of whom just realizing, "We could've totally cured that guy."

"With what? We don't have any Potions."

"No, I mean we could've used a Cure spell on him."

Sora cocked his eyebrow. "Oh, yeah. Too late now."

"Geez. How did we forget that?"

"Probably because we're so skilled at fighting, we rarely need to use Cure spells. Then again, that also means we rarely heal anyone else."

"Does that make us assholes?"

"Maybe a little selfish, but certainly not assholes."

"…Nah, I'm still kind of an asshole. The other day, Pence asked me what time it was, and I just called him fat."

Sora stared sidelong at Riku. "That was harsh. You know he's got a weight problem."

"I knew, and I still said it. Didn't even tell him the time."

"Well, we still team up to save the world every now and then, so you get points for being a hero."

"Am I really a hero, though? If you look at my track record, you'll notice anything heroic I do leads to me getting girls." Riku shrugged as they jogged across the courtyard. "Sometimes, I do dickish things and still get girls. Like the other day, I cut in line at the Sandwich Shop, didn't even have my wallet, and some girl behind me offered to pay for my order. I got her number and everything."

"That…that actually makes no sense."

"Tell me about it. I'm like a raging demon that needs to be stopped."

Sora had a thought. "Riku, did you really think that girl at the gym was looking at me?"

"Sure…"

"No, you didn't. You just wanted me to talk to her first so I could fail and give you an opportunity. That sound about right?"

"Whoa, I'm deeply offended, even if that is an expert-level tactic I may or may not have used in the past."

"You ARE a raging demon."

"I guess it can't be helped. But wait—remember the time I saved you from endless sleep at Yen Sid's tower? I didn't get any girls when that happened."

"Well, I'm glad you could manage to do one selfless act. Really, hats off to you."

Sora and Riku entered the dormitory. Punching the up button on the elevator, Riku surmised, "I bet Cid'll be unconscious by the time we get back. We should probably bring a bucket of water."

"You really think that'd wake him up?" Sora asked curiously.

"No clue. But it's worth a shot—oh, wait! I've got the Power of Waking on my side! Never mind, screw the bucket."

"Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting you're a full-blown Keyblade Master, now. And now that I think about it, you actually _did _get some girls after Yen Sid's test."

"What? No I didn't."

"Uh, does Lightning ring a bell?"

"Well, okay—but we dated less than a week."

"And after her, you started going out with Cindy. From Final Fantasy XV."

"Okay, THAT was related to a time I helped her grandpa clean up his shop."

"Did you mention how you saved me with the Power of Waking?"

"Well…yeah, but I was just making conversation."

"See? Face it, Riku. You're a chick-magnet."

Scoffing, Riku said, "Hey. Sometimes I think I attract more guys than girls."

"Oh?"

"Yeah—you know that Kuja guy? He keeps leaving comments on my Kuposts at, like, three in the morning. And ever since they started making gay N.P.C.s, I've had to watch out for them, too."

Sora added, "Not that there's—"

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," Riku finished in an exasperated tone.

_Ding. _The elevator finally arrived.

"Riku…you're not homophobic, are you?" Sora asked, stepping in the moving box with his best friend.

"Of course not. I just like my potential dates to have two X chromosomes."

"Okay, then prove it. Come with me to Yaoi-Con next month, and we'll both be down for the cause."

"Yaoi-Con? Gee, I don't know…"

Closing the elevator, Sora said, "It's not like we have to _kiss_ or anything. We just show up, support people's gay rights, and leave. Plus they've got food there!"

"I've got food in my fridge."

"C'mon, Riku! Don't you know that Roxas and Axel have been going to Yaoi-Con for the last three years? And it hasn't made them _gay._ In fact, it's made them more popular. And they're best friends!"

"Ugh, I'll think about it. You know, if you wanna go so bad, you could always take Donald or Goofy with you. Or both."

"Yeah, but that wouldn't have the same impact as taking you with me. We live in a world where _SoRiku_ is a living, breathing thing. Look, you don't have to go, it was just a suggestion."

Riku sighed between loose lips. "Like I said, I'll think about it. So, did you wanna get Potions from my room or yours?"

"My room—wait…I thought you said you were fresh out of Potions?"

"Well, you know, I got some in my room but didn't know we'd be coming all the way back here. I wasn't trying to lie, trust me!" Sora just let out a sharp hiss, causing Riku to say, "Besides. You know I like mixing Potions with coffee—it really perks me up!"

Rolling his eyes, Sora said, "We'll go to my room. I also wanna get us some notepads so we can take notes on the investigation."

Riku selected the top floor. "Good idea. Why do you have notepads, anyway?" Riku chuckled. "You got a poetry fetish, or something?"

"_No…_well, not exactly. Sometimes I write down my own rap lyrics mixed with a little grunge rock, and sometimes I write ideas for businesses."

Laughing, Riku reminisced, "Oh, _yeah._ I remember you used to rap those songs at Tifa's bar."

"Well, those were actual rap songs. I've never done my own songs in public."

"You're such a rainbow, Sora. You eat Mexican food, like, four nights a week. You listen to heavy metal. _And_ you write rap songs—aren't we supposed to be Asian?"

"Pacific Islanders, but, clearly, that doesn't define us."

"Amen, brother."

"'Amen, brother'? What, are you Hulk Hogan?"

"Hulk Hogan wishes he was me."

The elevator opened to the top floor, and both teens began walking towards Sora's room at the end of the hall.

"Ah," Riku exhaled. "This takes me back to the time you and 2B—"

"I don't wanna talk about that, Riku."

"Why not? You totally got laid, bro."

"…Okay, maybe we can talk about it a little bit," Sora said with a sly smirk.

"Hell yeah, that chick was smokin'. Still don't know why you didn't try to wife her up."

"Riku—she's crazy. End of story."

"No, that should be the CLIMAX of the story. So what if she did stuff to you while you were unconscious?"

"Riku, she tried to kill Kairi."

Hissing, Riku said, "Sssss…yeah, that was kinda bad. But didn't she apologize?"

"Yes, and I forgave her. Dated her for a while, and that's why Kairi is currently mad at me."

"Well, I won't question true love."

They arrived at Sora's room. Unlocking and opening his door, Sora replied, "Ugh, don't jinx it by calling it that. I don't even know what to make of my relationship with her. We go out, watch movies, play video games, but never really have time to get close—"

"You're in the Zone of Friendship," Riku gave his analysis. "No big deal. You just gotta choose the perfect time to whip out your—"

"Okay, Riku."

"What? I was gonna say penis."

Sora searched his desk drawer for Potion bottles, extracting two. He then rummaged through his closet for spare notebooks, taking out two, one for him and one for Riku.

"These are empty, so you don't have to worry about seeing any badly written love songs."

"Rob me of all the joy, why don't ya? And I thought you said note_pads. _These are clearly notebooks."

"We don't have much, Riku. We gotta take what we can get."

"Still…we would've looked _way _cooler with notepads. Like a couple of badass L.A. Noire detectives."

Motioning for the door, Sora said, "Let's go help Cid."

"Yeah, if he's not dead."

They sauntered down the hall, Sora bringing up Kairi again, "I don't even know if she wants to be with me. I think she just does it out of necessity."

"It's better than when she used to not hang out with you at all, ain't it? Sora, you've got to hold on and never let go."

"Yeah, but if she's not happy, it's not even worth pretending to be together."

"Tell me something, you share the Paopu yet?"

"No, but only because we'd get in a ton of trouble for doing that too early."

Riku smacked his teeth and admonished, "You know what? Bump Squeenix and their rules. I say you get one and feed it to her one piece at a time."

"That would be nice…but we should wait until Kingdom Hearts III. I think we're better off fixing our relationship before that game comes out."

Tapping the elevator's down button, Riku envisioned, "She might get tired of waiting before then. Just saying, she's got a lot of guys lined up who wanna be her boyfriend."

"Yeah…are you one of 'em?"

"Would it motivate you if I said 'yes'?"

"It'd motivate me to kill you."

"Well, lucky for both of us, I already had my turn on that merry-go-round."

Sora was silent. He stared Riku down with an icy glare.

Sensing his friend's drop in amicability, Riku tried to diffuse his comment, "Geez, are you ever going to get over that?"

"What can I say? You're the number one reason I fight for Kairi—so meatheads like you don't try to score. But don't worry. I still like you."

"Meathead, huh?"

The elevator door opened, allowing them both inside. Sora retorted, "Every time you bring that up, I'm either going to insult you, fight you, or do something extremely homosexual to you. It all depends on my mood."

"Sheesh, I get the point."

Before the door closed, someone came barreling in to stall the elevator. It was Beat.

He had trapped his whole body between the sliding doors. "Uf! Oh, 'sup, dawgs! What'chall gangstas up to?"

Sora explained, "You know Cid? He just got his car stolen, and we're gonna investigate."

"Wait, which Cid?" Beat asked, stepping in the elevator with them.

"The one from Cloud's world," Sora answered. "He's in real bad shape. Apparently, someone shot him."

Shaking his head, Beat said, "Damn, that's coldblooded. The streets bees like that, yo. Did you call an ambulance?"

"Shit," Riku cursed. "That would've been smart."

Pressing the elevator's first-floor-button, Sora shrugged. "Too late, now. We already got Potions."

Beat commended them, "Well dats real trill the way y'all helpin' out a friend in need like that. All dat good deed shit—it makes the world go round, yo!"

"I don't disagree," Riku replied. "Can't have the world looking square."

Suddenly, Sora howled in laughter, like, really, really loudly. After receiving a perturbed look from Riku, Sora said, "What? That was funny. 'Cuz we live in Square Enix."

"Hmph," Riku grunted, tapping his chin. "Maybe I should do stand up?"

Beat informed, "You know they gots open mic nights down at the Galbadia Hotel Bar, right? If youza funny cat, they'll really dig yo whiskers, ya'a mean?"

"Galbadia…?" Riku repeated. "Isn't that in Leon's world?"

"Shit, I'o'know," Beat admitted, bobbing his head to every syllable. "All I know is you Final Fantasy gees got way too many peeps to keep track of—_word."_

"While that is true," Sora started, "you gotta remember we're not even from Final Fantasy."

"Word?" Beat asked.

"Word," replied Sora.

"Could swear y'alls was in that one with all da time travel, or some'…"

Sora and Riku looked at each other. Riku said, "Maybe we are in a Final Fantasy game? Hard to tell with all the plot shenanigans."

"Chhhh," Beat chhhh'd. "I'o'e'n know what's goin' on in MY game, Kemosabe."

As the elevator descended downward, Sora asked, "So, where were you headed off to, Beat?"

"A'ight, a'ight—so check this out! My body—it's, like, addicted to dis H2O stuff they got floatin' around, and lately I been fiendin' fo' dat—"

"Just say you're thirsty and need something to drink." Riku wasn't in the mood to have his patience tested.

Beat countered, "Yo, but that ain't e'en the full story, dough! So, check it—I was gettin' thirsty, right? And then all a sudden, my stomach starts growlin'—"

"Okay, so you were thirsty and hungry," Sora ascertained with a more patient aura than Riku. "What happened next?"

"Right, right—so, then, I'm all like, 'Mutha-Damn, I'm weak!' Imma needa pay a visit to dah mess hall and get me dat grub-grub so my lub-dub don't flub-flub, ya dug?"

Sora and Riku nodded, the latter of whom holding a pissed-off expression.

So, then, Beat continued, "A'ight, so I'm lookin' for my mess hall card, 'cuz you know I gots points to spend, and then I'm realizin' that card ain't nowhere to be seen! I'm talkin', Casper the Deadbeat Ghost on my ass."

"Where d'ya think you left it," Riku asked, mildly concerned.

"Tha's a good question. Figured I'd start at the Smoothie Shop."

The elevator stopped at floor two, opening to reveal Firion from Final Fantasy II. Greeting them as he walked in, he said in an upbeat mood, "Evening, guys!"

"'Sup," said Beat.

"Hi, Firion," Sora greeted back.

"What's crackin', dawg," Riku also greeted, definitely imitating a certain someone.

"Oh, just off to go purchase some herbs from someone." Firion winked.

"You mean weed?" Sora asked for clarification, hitting the button to close the doors.

Nodding, he confirmed, "Yes indeed, weed."

"I didn't know you smoked," Riku said.

"Well, I'm not going to smoke all of it. I intend to make edibles as well. I'll be selling them from my room tomorrow."

Interested, Riku asked, "No kidding? For how much? "

"Five Gil a brownie."

"Damn, son!" exclaimed Beat. "You gotta let me get in on some a' dat!"

"No problem, just meet me at room two-twenty-eight around noonish." Firion turned to Sora and Riku. "What about you guys?"

Riku reasoned with himself, "That is a cheap price. I might stop by."

"I'll think about it," said Sora, though not entirely trustful of edibles thanks to a previous experience.

The elevator reached the first floor, prompting Firion to conclude, "Well, you know where to find me."

While Firion headed for the back door, Beat motioned after him, also bidding his farewell, "I better go that way. Smoothie Shop closes at midnight, y'all."

While Riku nodded, Sora replied, "Well, see ya around!"

"Fo' sho. Gu' luck on yo detective work!"

After parting ways, Sora and Riku walked out of the dormitory through the front door. Smacking his lips, Sora said, "You know, a smoothie sounds really good right now."

"No kidding, but we gotta help Cid first," said a dutiful Riku.

"Right, poor Cid. You think he's got any enemies out here?"

"Probly plenty," Riku posited. "I've seen the way he treats his ex-wife."

"Yeah, it's too bad they split apart. I guess the guy loved outer space more than his actual spouse. I don't remember him getting along with Merlin that well. Maybe the old wizard did it?"

"Merlin…doesn't use guns. At least, I don't think he does. And there're lots of people who use guns around here."

Verbally going down a list, Sora said, "Let's see—Leon's got a gun blade. Vincent Valentine's got a pistol. Agent 47's got a silencer. Xigbar has a bowgun. I remember that Clayton guy shooting at me…"

"Oh, shit, Sora—what are we doing? We gotta run! Cid's in trouble!"

"Flippin' A, you're right! Let's go!"

And so, both teenaged detectives sprinted off to the parking garage, bounding up the staircase to reach the fourth level. Sure enough, Cid was exactly where they left him, only this time, he was smoking a cigar.

"'Bout time you two showed up! This cigar's the only thing keeping me alive, right now!"

"That…that doesn't make any sense," said Sora, but he quickly got down to business.

"What are those, regular Potions?" Cid asked. "You couldn'tna got some X-Potions for your dear Uncle Cid?"

"Sorry, Gramps," Sora denied irritably. "This is all we have."

Riku admonished, "Hey, beggars can't be choosers. Don't you know how hard X-Potions are to come by?"

"Yeah, it's better than nothin'." After receiving a splash from both Potion bottles, Cid whistled and said, "Woo! Much better. Although…it still hurts to stand."

Shaking his head, Riku said, "He must've gotcha good, huh?"

"Yeah—that bastard's gonna pay for this."

Grabbing his spiral notebook, Sora said, "All right, so we wanted to take notes on what happened. Do you remember what the guy looked like?"

"Nah, not much. I didn't get a good luck at 'im. But I do remember seein' a ponytail on the guy right when he was gettin' intah my car—"

"Sonuva slut-bucket—we forgot to bring pens!" Sora suddenly exclaimed.

Also noticing the absence of writing utensils for their notepads, Riku added, "Aw, you gotta be jokin'…"

Standing up with his spiral notebook, Sora declared, "Hang tight, Cid! We'll be right back!"

"What—? No! Wait!" Too late, Sora and Riku were already dashing back to the stairs.

Taking a puff on his cigar, Cid mumbled, "Idiots." Then, feeling around on his jacket pocket, he let out a vexed exhale. "God…dammit! I got pens right here!"


End file.
